One of the most underrated cultural phenomenons in mid-March? Why, the emergence of various pop culture “bracket challenges” thanks to the NCAA tournament, of course!

Making the rounds on social media this past week (and covered extensively in the latest episode of the MIPPAcast) is the Fast Food Bracket Challenge.

In this series, I will be posting my own round-by-round results based on a complex model I developed for this exercise.

The Model: Explained

I will be weighing menu offerings, price points, quality of marketing, and quality of food in each matchup. Each category will be given a score 1-5, 5 being the best, 1 being the worst.

I will then “blend” the four categories together using the uber complex method of =average in Excel to get a total score.

By using this slightly more objective approach, I feel I am able to give each restaurant (especially those I haven’t visited) a fair shot to survive and advance!

Here’s the aforementioned bracket template:

These write-ups are going to be fairly dense. Accurately weighing restaurants against each other and choosing accordingly is a complex task, not to be taken lightly. Actual livelihoods are at stake, here. 

The dozens of you who end up reading this may choose to spend your time and money at one of these locations based solely on these power rankings, after all. I’m not the hero you want for this task; surely, however, I am the hero you need. 

You should read each of these pieces carefully before investing in a hero of your own (that’s a sandwich joke, folks).

The Series: How Will This Work?

I will be going through each of the eight (8) round one matchups for each region. 

After that, I’ll revisit each region and go through the final seven (7) matchups that crown a regional champion. Then, the much-awaited Final Four will be the final article in the series. In total, there will be nine (9) posts in this series for you to ignore completely. How fun!

First up, the upper left quadrant of the bracket.

Mac & Dick McDonald Region – Round One

#1 McDonalds vs. #16 Jollibee

First and foremost, I literally had zero-point-zero idea what a Jollibee was as of this morning. According to the Google Machine, this Filipino-based international chain is “on the come up” here in the states.

McDonald’s, as we know, is a staple of the American fast food ecosystem. It truly has it all – a powerhouse menu for all three meals, solid price points, good marketing, and decent food.

With Jollibee, I was similarly impressed with the range of options on their menu. I think this is a restaurant I would find myself choosing to try based on that alone. According to one resource, the prices look relatively affordable – suggesting decent value per dollar. 

Their website is fairly top notch, which suggests a really strong effort to invest in marketing. Adding spaghetti to the fast food mix? That’s a risk that resonates with me in a super positive way. 

While I like McDonald’s, I simply don’t love it. A bizarre choice to move away from their super iconic cast of characters over the years really hurts their brand equity for me.

I’m starting the series off with a bananas upset for you as a result; these two tied on average score, but I’d bet Jollibee simply has better food.

McDonald’s Grades (Overall Rank, 12):

Menu – 4.7
Pricing – 3.5
Marketing – 4.8
Food –  2.4

Score – 3.85

Winner: #16, Jollibee

#8 Wawa vs. #9 Sheetz

Alright, I’m going to catch heat for this take. Are you a restaurant? Are you a convenience store? Or a gas station? Wait – you’re all of those? Sorry – I’m out. 

If you try to please everyone, you please no one. I’m not buying my breakfast, lunch, or dinner at a gas station that also sells Juul pods. I’m just classy like that, I guess.

Since I have to pick a winner, I’ll go with the higher seed here, but both of these concepts earned straight 1’s from me across the board and tied for DFL (dead f—ing last). The winner here isn’t making it out of Round 2.

Winner: #8, Wawa

#4 Whataburger vs. #13 Quizno’s

Whataburger appears to be the total package. A true four-tool player in the fast food bracket game, they own an elite mixture of high quality menu options, great pricing, top-notch marketing, and very appealing looking food. They’re going to be a tough out in this tournament, for sure.

Quizno’s is ass. There’s really no other way to say it. When I was growing up in Quincy, there was a Quizno’s near my childhood home, located near a Walgreens pharmacy. I believe this shopping area I’m remembering burned down eventually. I blame Quizno’s.

Does that matter, here? Not particularly, I just felt like sharing. On the rare occasion I found myself trading my hard earned money allowance for one of their sandwiches, I was always disappointed.

The lesson? I’m not a very big fan of sandwich specialty shops. They are going to have a tough, tough time in my bracket.

I’ll save the detailed Whataburger analysis for one of their future matchups in this series (spoiler alert – there’s going to be a few). 

Quizno’s Grades (Overall Rank, 62):

Menu – 3.0
Pricing – 1.0
Marketing – 2.1
Food –  2.0

Score – 2.03

Winner: #4, Whataburger

#5 Panda Express vs. #12 Potbelly

Ah, beautiful. One of the finest matchup concepts in this entire series for me is grading two establishments I’ve never had the opportunity to try against one another. 

This is where the four-point scale becomes critical – I should be able to assess the relative strength of one chain’s profile against another’s and pick a winner we all feel good about.

Panda Express looks like a really appetizing American Chinese food concept. For me, I’m not a huge fan of Chinese food as a category, so it’s hard for me to rate it extremely high on menu or on food. Pricing looks really friendly, though. 

Their website was also a pleasant browsing experience; it provided me the information I wanted in a convenient fashion, and made me feel like I would definitely shop there if given the chance. 

Potbelly had a tough go of it for me. The fact that my first glance of the menu suggested it was super narrow – just combos of sandwiches, soups, salads and macaroni was a bit of a turn off for me. 

This cost Potbelly some marketing points, as it was tough to see through their menu that there’s a diverse range of options as a result. No second chances at a first impression being given out here from me. Out on Potbelly!

Potbelly Grades (Overall Rank, T-40):

Menu – 2.5
Pricing – 3.0
Marketing – 3.8
Food –  3.0

Score – 3.08

Winner: #5, Panda Express

#6 Carl’s Jr/Hardee’s vs. #11 Dairy Queen

Dairy Queen never impressed me as a lad – their relentless commitment to saying they aren’t fast food also loses them a ton of points in my book. They should basically be eliminated from the field entirely for this absurd denial of reality.

I’ve never had the opportunity to visit a Carl’s Jr./Hardees, but any business that takes a risk with Froot Loops mini donuts is clearly run by some creative people who wish to win not only the stomachs, but the hearts and souls of their customers. This is an easy call, here.

Dairy Queen Grades (Overall Rank, T-60)

Menu – 3.0
Pricing – 2.0
Marketing – 2.0
Food –  2.0

Score – 2.25

Winner: #6, Carl’s Jr./Hardee’s

#3 Arby’s vs. #14 Taco Cabana

Remember when I said sandwich places were going to have a tough time in this bracket? Enter Arby’s to bust that up (at least for one round). Despite being given a rather precise estimate for how long it would take me to arrive at one, I have never had a desire to visit one of these establishments.

Their pricing and marketing, however, is really sharp. I had to award them more points for having affordable options that are also messaged really well to their target audience. 

Taco Cabana’s aggressively hot pink color scheme made me feel attacked – rattled, I graded them pretty harshly. As you can see, the menu attempts to target a lot of different meal types, so they deserve a decent menu score. 

Huge deduction for marketing (again that color scheme is atrocious) really brought them down here. Taco’s are a really hard food item to screw up – their pricing feels okay, though. While I enjoy tacos, I don’t crave them incessantly.

Arby’s edged out the hot pink Taco Cabana by the slimmest of margins in my model. I can’t see myself visiting either of these any time soon, though.

Taco Cabana Grades (Overall Rank, 37)

Menu – 3.5
Pricing – 3.6
Marketing – 2.7
Food –  3.1

Score – 3.23

Winner: #3, Arby’s

#7 Panera Bread vs. #10 Jersey Mike’s

I have absolutely not a thing to say about Jersey Mike’s in this space. I’ll save that for the next round.

Panera Bread’s menu is littered with actual food you would find in a hospital food court. Does anyone really even want any of this stuff? Of course not – but it’s the only place in town with soups, sandwiches, salads and breakfast items for many people.

Perhaps my bias is showing, here. There was a Panera Bread near my high school, and I guess you could argue I visited it far too many times to ever want to set foot in another one again. The only redeeming product they have? The Bacon Turkey Bravo – one of the best sandwiches known to God and man. 

I’m just not trying to spend more than $10 on an actual deli sandwich I could make at home quite easily.

Panera Bread Grades (Overall Rank, T-60)

Menu – 3.0
Pricing – 2.0
Marketing – 3.0
Food –  1.0

Score – 2.25

Winner – #10, Jersey Mike’s

#2 Chipotle vs. #15 A&W Restaurants

Chipotle is whack. I am not a fan of the whole “assembly line” approach when it comes to food across the board. The southwestern style of food just doesn’t do it for me, either. 

If they had more pre-assembled menu options that I could simply order without having to go through the process of actually constructing my own final item, I might feel differently. I also always feel like I spent way too much money when I go to one. 

The food is high quality, but Chipotle’s inability to handle their various PR disasters effectively destroys their marketing value in my eyes.

Without even considering what an A&W is, Chipotle is dead to me.

Chipotle Grades (Overall Rank, 39)

Menu – 3.0
Pricing – 2.2
Marketing – 3.0 (deducted 1 point from 4.0)
Food –  4.3

Score – 3.13

Winner – #15, A&W Restaurants

Check in tomorrow evening for the winners in the No Sundays Region. Will anyone unseat Chick-Fil-A? We’ll see!