Welcome to entry number two in my fast food/fast casual bracket challenge! If you missed the first entry of the series, bang it here to get caught up.

All caught up? Cool – let’s move on.

This entry’s region is the third strongest of the four in my model (Mac & Dick McDonald were weakest). As we move forward, each region actually gets tougher to grade. This is why I developed my four point scale – to pursue a more accurate seeding of all 64 establishments.

Grading Scale Recap

I will be weighing menu offerings, price points, quality of marketing, and quality of food in each matchup. Each category will be given a score 1-5, 5 being the best, 1 being the worst.

I will then “blend” the four categories together using the uber complex method of =average in Excel to get a total score. 

By using this slightly more objective approach, I feel I am able to give each restaurant (especially those I haven’t visited) a fair shot to survive and advance!

“No Sundays” Region – Round One

#1 Chick-Fil-A vs. #16 Penn Station

I scouted one of tonight’s competitors pre-blog – it’s safe to say Chick-Fil-A lives up to the hype. The wife and I definitely leverage location advantage – this particular location is a mere 4.2 miles away from our apartment.

I’m a sucker for some fried chicken. Luckily, from a menu perspective they are fairly diversified. One of the stronger all around seeds in the tournament, this place will be sticking around for further evaluation later on in this series. It’s time to drag another establishment through the mud fairly rate a lesser known competitor for the folks at home.

Penn Station has some marketing issues:

Upon further review, it appears this is a sandwich shop. Now, maybe I’m just too much of a neophyte in the food review game. Totally fair to suggest.

I think, however, it’s probably a reasonable business decision to maybe not name your place directly after a popular transit hub? With an average of 22.9 Twitter followers per reported storefront location, we clearly have some issues here:

Recognizing that this place is clearly a lunch spot, I actually like the menu for what it is. A solid blend of grilled and cold subs, wraps, and salads is well diversified for the cheap lunch game. And speaking of cheap, it’s definitely good value per dollar to frequent this place.

In the end, Chick-Fil-A is just a tough draw for what is clearly (at best) a mid-major player in the fast food game.

Penn Station Grades (Overall Rank, 39):

Menu – 2.9
Pricing – 3.5
Marketing – 2.9
Food –  3.1

Score – 3.10

Winner: #1, Chick-Fil-A

#8 Moe’s vs. #9 Jimmy John’s

Welcome to Moe’s! Simple, direct, effective marketing by this southwestern food chain – Moe’s scores far better in my book than yesterday’s Chipotle.

I’ve never had a bad experience in my few trips to this place. The biggest hole in their game? It has to simply be the menu. I’m a consistent fella – I really, really don’t like picking and choosing my ingredients at a restaurant that builds my food in front of me.

If there’s any one restaurant Moe’s could’ve chosen to meet up with to start the tournament, it definitely would have been Jimmy John’s.

Imagine bragging that no service like Uber Eats or Postmates wants to deliver your “gourmet” sandwiches to customers:

You know what the problem with fast food sandwich shops is?

The best sandwiches you order out for typically come from the proverbial hole-in-the-wall place back home. Nostalgic reflection on the sandwich orders of yesteryear is a drug we all chase, after all. Regional bias be damned, I have no recollection of any positive memories involving Jimmy John’s.

I just can’t give them any semblance of a bump into relevance in this tournament as a result.

Jimmy John’s Grades (Overall Rank, T-56):

Menu – 2.0
Pricing – 4.0
Marketing – 2.0
Food –  2.0

Score – 2.5

Winner: #8, Moe’s

#4 Culver’s vs. #13 Boston Market

Culver’s surprised the hell out of me. A native Bostonian, I can say with confidence I’ve never encountered, nor heard of this place before. Some of the places in this bracket have at least achieved a somewhat mythical pop culture status, entering each of our collective brains at one point or another through some form of media.

Not Culver’s! My very first experience with this place was via search engine. And damn it, I was not disappointed – at all.

We’re on the fast track to an all out battle in the Sweet 16 between Culver’s and Chick-Fil-A, folks. I’ll just leave it there for now.

As far as Boston Market goes… I mean, I’ve heard of it. I’ve driven by one – many times. I’ve even eaten near it. I’ve just never gone inside.

The rotisserrie I like in my life is more of the fantasy baseball variety – not chicken. To be fair to fans of the place, this is definitely more of a family-oriented dinner joint – two things I strongly dislike. (I’ll let you decide which two things out of family, dinner, and joints. Your choice!)

Boston Market Grades (Overall Rank, 46):

Menu – 3.1
Pricing – 2.5
Marketing – 3.9
Food –  2.3

Score – 2.95

Winner: #4, Culver’s

#5 Domino’s vs. #12 Torchy’s Tacos

Ah, Domino’s. Remember that whole our pizza sucks campaign? Yeah, apparently that’s still true – they dropped the pizza from their name and diversified into other food types to try and hide this fact from you by 2019.

I have to admit, the menu is surprisingly rich with options I didn’t think they had. That aside, I still can’t see myself trading money for more Domino’s at any future point in my life. With so many options to choose from (both in this bracket and in general), I feel comfortable with one of my many life mottoes – life’s too short to settle for Domino’s.

You know what’s a great sign of a brand that has a really strong fan base? A merchandise line!

Torchy’s Tacos not only looks appetizing upon first glance, but they sell some pretty intriguing looking t-shirts:

Since they did enough to move on, Torchy’s Tacos true evaluation will wait for my next trip through the No Sundays bracket.

Domino’s Grades (Overall Rank, 47):

Menu – 3.0
Pricing – 2.0
Marketing – 4.5
Food –  2.0

Score – 2.88

Winner: #12, Torchy’s Tacos

#6 White Castle vs. #11 Little Caesar’s

Let’s address a little film called Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle. You see, for better or worse, this dropped during an extremely impressionable time in young Rooney’s life – as a 15 year old, there were easily a lot of jokes I pretended to understand (as one does at that age).

The biggest thing this movie did? It helped grow the legend of White Castle sliders for a generation of millennials – although I’m pretty sure we were still called Gen Y at that point. Anyway, I digress.

Little Caesar’s was featured in a rhyme by Cardi B last year:

That’s really the extent of my knowledge on the place, though. Our good friend, reigning champ Fence Post Malone wrote about a recent visit to a Little Caesar’s in the league chat at one point, as well. This all has absolutely nothing to do with their food – because I want nothing to do with their food.

Fast food pizza faces a lot of the same challenges I referenced with sandwich shops above – it’s far easier to get a good pizza from quite literally anywhere. I can’t see myself choosing Little Caesar’s as a meal – ever.

Little Caesar’s Grades (Overall Rank, T-56)

Menu – 2.0
Pricing – 3.0
Marketing – 3.0
Food – 2.0

Score – 2.5

Winner – #6 White Castle

#3 Subway vs. #14 Church’s Chicken

Subway is the king of the crappy assembly line food business model. The thing that gives them a slight bump? They do give you some pre-packaged options to choose from.

You can walk into one and order the Black Forest Ham on wheat and pretty much go on autopilot as a customer. That’s something I do like, here.

Subway also benefits from really friendly pricing compared to its competitors in the category for me. While its a bit of a weird “race to the bottom” to offer the best poor quality food for an affordable price, it’s a race they are, in fact, winning.

This bracket is littered with fried chicken specialty shops.

Church’s definitely gets hurt in my book by the fact that I’ve got many comparable options graded highly. There’s probably a fatigue factor at play for me, here. It would take a stunningly strong review to get me to consider this place as an option.

Limited research suggests it may also even be a bit cost prohibitive compared to other places in the category.

Subway moves on to round 2, but not by much.

Church’s Chicken Grades (Overall Rank, T-40)

Menu – 2.1
Pricing – 2.2
Marketing – 3.8
Food – 4.2

Score – 3.08

#7 Papa John’s vs. #10 Cookout

Pizza that shills faux patriotism is probably the worst type of pizza. Not to worry! Even if that feels politically biased to you, I can assure you that this pizza straight up just looks like cardboard, as well:

I’d bet heavily on one thing to be a real hoot in Arlen, Texas – a burger shop like Cookout!

Hank Hill would absolutely rave about the quality of this place to his old pals Bill and Boomhauer. It just all makes sense. If there’s one thing that pairs well with propane and propane accessories, its a well grilled hamburger.

Pretty much any burger place was taking down Papa John, here.

Papa John’s Grades (Overall Rank, 59)

Menu – 2.4
Pricing – 2.0
Marketing – 3.0
Food – 2.0

Score – 2.35

Winner – #10, Cookout

#2 Burger King vs. #15 Sbarro

Burger King owns one of the most iconic brands in the fast food game. The crowns are synonymous with fast food.

The King himself is also an important piece of Americana.

The food itself? Not so much. There’s a “big three” in the fast food business historically, in my opinion.

The previously mentioned (and vanquished) McDonald’s, Wendy’s, and Burger King. Of the three, BK is clearly the weakest; their seeding reflects it.

I think a #2 seed was simply given out of respect for the history of the company.  The food sucks.

Enter Sbarro’s, a place that the great Michael Scott himself revered for its New York slice!

You’re damn right I’m advancing a brand solely because it appeared in The Office once. Deal with it!

Burger King Grades (Overall Rank, 54)

Menu – 2.3
Pricing – 3.0
Marketing – 3.4
Food – 1.5

Score – 2.55

Next up, the Bag Fries region. I have a feeling I’m going to make a lot of enemies in that one, folks.

One of the most underrated cultural phenomenons in mid-March? Why, the emergence of various pop culture “bracket challenges” thanks to the NCAA tournament, of course!

Making the rounds on social media this past week (and covered extensively in the latest episode of the MIPPAcast) is the Fast Food Bracket Challenge.

In this series, I will be posting my own round-by-round results based on a complex model I developed for this exercise.

The Model: Explained

I will be weighing menu offerings, price points, quality of marketing, and quality of food in each matchup. Each category will be given a score 1-5, 5 being the best, 1 being the worst.

I will then “blend” the four categories together using the uber complex method of =average in Excel to get a total score.

By using this slightly more objective approach, I feel I am able to give each restaurant (especially those I haven’t visited) a fair shot to survive and advance!

Here’s the aforementioned bracket template:

These write-ups are going to be fairly dense. Accurately weighing restaurants against each other and choosing accordingly is a complex task, not to be taken lightly. Actual livelihoods are at stake, here. 

The dozens of you who end up reading this may choose to spend your time and money at one of these locations based solely on these power rankings, after all. I’m not the hero you want for this task; surely, however, I am the hero you need. 

You should read each of these pieces carefully before investing in a hero of your own (that’s a sandwich joke, folks).

The Series: How Will This Work?

I will be going through each of the eight (8) round one matchups for each region. 

After that, I’ll revisit each region and go through the final seven (7) matchups that crown a regional champion. Then, the much-awaited Final Four will be the final article in the series. In total, there will be nine (9) posts in this series for you to ignore completely. How fun!

First up, the upper left quadrant of the bracket.

Mac & Dick McDonald Region – Round One

#1 McDonalds vs. #16 Jollibee

First and foremost, I literally had zero-point-zero idea what a Jollibee was as of this morning. According to the Google Machine, this Filipino-based international chain is “on the come up” here in the states.

McDonald’s, as we know, is a staple of the American fast food ecosystem. It truly has it all – a powerhouse menu for all three meals, solid price points, good marketing, and decent food.

With Jollibee, I was similarly impressed with the range of options on their menu. I think this is a restaurant I would find myself choosing to try based on that alone. According to one resource, the prices look relatively affordable – suggesting decent value per dollar. 

Their website is fairly top notch, which suggests a really strong effort to invest in marketing. Adding spaghetti to the fast food mix? That’s a risk that resonates with me in a super positive way. 

While I like McDonald’s, I simply don’t love it. A bizarre choice to move away from their super iconic cast of characters over the years really hurts their brand equity for me.

I’m starting the series off with a bananas upset for you as a result; these two tied on average score, but I’d bet Jollibee simply has better food.

McDonald’s Grades (Overall Rank, 12):

Menu – 4.7
Pricing – 3.5
Marketing – 4.8
Food –  2.4

Score – 3.85

Winner: #16, Jollibee

#8 Wawa vs. #9 Sheetz

Alright, I’m going to catch heat for this take. Are you a restaurant? Are you a convenience store? Or a gas station? Wait – you’re all of those? Sorry – I’m out. 

If you try to please everyone, you please no one. I’m not buying my breakfast, lunch, or dinner at a gas station that also sells Juul pods. I’m just classy like that, I guess.

Since I have to pick a winner, I’ll go with the higher seed here, but both of these concepts earned straight 1’s from me across the board and tied for DFL (dead f—ing last). The winner here isn’t making it out of Round 2.

Winner: #8, Wawa

#4 Whataburger vs. #13 Quizno’s

Whataburger appears to be the total package. A true four-tool player in the fast food bracket game, they own an elite mixture of high quality menu options, great pricing, top-notch marketing, and very appealing looking food. They’re going to be a tough out in this tournament, for sure.

Quizno’s is ass. There’s really no other way to say it. When I was growing up in Quincy, there was a Quizno’s near my childhood home, located near a Walgreens pharmacy. I believe this shopping area I’m remembering burned down eventually. I blame Quizno’s.

Does that matter, here? Not particularly, I just felt like sharing. On the rare occasion I found myself trading my hard earned money allowance for one of their sandwiches, I was always disappointed.

The lesson? I’m not a very big fan of sandwich specialty shops. They are going to have a tough, tough time in my bracket.

I’ll save the detailed Whataburger analysis for one of their future matchups in this series (spoiler alert – there’s going to be a few). 

Quizno’s Grades (Overall Rank, 62):

Menu – 3.0
Pricing – 1.0
Marketing – 2.1
Food –  2.0

Score – 2.03

Winner: #4, Whataburger

#5 Panda Express vs. #12 Potbelly

Ah, beautiful. One of the finest matchup concepts in this entire series for me is grading two establishments I’ve never had the opportunity to try against one another. 

This is where the four-point scale becomes critical – I should be able to assess the relative strength of one chain’s profile against another’s and pick a winner we all feel good about.

Panda Express looks like a really appetizing American Chinese food concept. For me, I’m not a huge fan of Chinese food as a category, so it’s hard for me to rate it extremely high on menu or on food. Pricing looks really friendly, though. 

Their website was also a pleasant browsing experience; it provided me the information I wanted in a convenient fashion, and made me feel like I would definitely shop there if given the chance. 

Potbelly had a tough go of it for me. The fact that my first glance of the menu suggested it was super narrow – just combos of sandwiches, soups, salads and macaroni was a bit of a turn off for me. 

This cost Potbelly some marketing points, as it was tough to see through their menu that there’s a diverse range of options as a result. No second chances at a first impression being given out here from me. Out on Potbelly!

Potbelly Grades (Overall Rank, T-40):

Menu – 2.5
Pricing – 3.0
Marketing – 3.8
Food –  3.0

Score – 3.08

Winner: #5, Panda Express

#6 Carl’s Jr/Hardee’s vs. #11 Dairy Queen

Dairy Queen never impressed me as a lad – their relentless commitment to saying they aren’t fast food also loses them a ton of points in my book. They should basically be eliminated from the field entirely for this absurd denial of reality.

I’ve never had the opportunity to visit a Carl’s Jr./Hardees, but any business that takes a risk with Froot Loops mini donuts is clearly run by some creative people who wish to win not only the stomachs, but the hearts and souls of their customers. This is an easy call, here.

Dairy Queen Grades (Overall Rank, T-60)

Menu – 3.0
Pricing – 2.0
Marketing – 2.0
Food –  2.0

Score – 2.25

Winner: #6, Carl’s Jr./Hardee’s

#3 Arby’s vs. #14 Taco Cabana

Remember when I said sandwich places were going to have a tough time in this bracket? Enter Arby’s to bust that up (at least for one round). Despite being given a rather precise estimate for how long it would take me to arrive at one, I have never had a desire to visit one of these establishments.

Their pricing and marketing, however, is really sharp. I had to award them more points for having affordable options that are also messaged really well to their target audience. 

Taco Cabana’s aggressively hot pink color scheme made me feel attacked – rattled, I graded them pretty harshly. As you can see, the menu attempts to target a lot of different meal types, so they deserve a decent menu score. 

Huge deduction for marketing (again that color scheme is atrocious) really brought them down here. Taco’s are a really hard food item to screw up – their pricing feels okay, though. While I enjoy tacos, I don’t crave them incessantly.

Arby’s edged out the hot pink Taco Cabana by the slimmest of margins in my model. I can’t see myself visiting either of these any time soon, though.

Taco Cabana Grades (Overall Rank, 37)

Menu – 3.5
Pricing – 3.6
Marketing – 2.7
Food –  3.1

Score – 3.23

Winner: #3, Arby’s

#7 Panera Bread vs. #10 Jersey Mike’s

I have absolutely not a thing to say about Jersey Mike’s in this space. I’ll save that for the next round.

Panera Bread’s menu is littered with actual food you would find in a hospital food court. Does anyone really even want any of this stuff? Of course not – but it’s the only place in town with soups, sandwiches, salads and breakfast items for many people.

Perhaps my bias is showing, here. There was a Panera Bread near my high school, and I guess you could argue I visited it far too many times to ever want to set foot in another one again. The only redeeming product they have? The Bacon Turkey Bravo – one of the best sandwiches known to God and man. 

I’m just not trying to spend more than $10 on an actual deli sandwich I could make at home quite easily.

Panera Bread Grades (Overall Rank, T-60)

Menu – 3.0
Pricing – 2.0
Marketing – 3.0
Food –  1.0

Score – 2.25

Winner – #10, Jersey Mike’s

#2 Chipotle vs. #15 A&W Restaurants

Chipotle is whack. I am not a fan of the whole “assembly line” approach when it comes to food across the board. The southwestern style of food just doesn’t do it for me, either. 

If they had more pre-assembled menu options that I could simply order without having to go through the process of actually constructing my own final item, I might feel differently. I also always feel like I spent way too much money when I go to one. 

The food is high quality, but Chipotle’s inability to handle their various PR disasters effectively destroys their marketing value in my eyes.

Without even considering what an A&W is, Chipotle is dead to me.

Chipotle Grades (Overall Rank, 39)

Menu – 3.0
Pricing – 2.2
Marketing – 3.0 (deducted 1 point from 4.0)
Food –  4.3

Score – 3.13

Winner – #15, A&W Restaurants

Check in tomorrow evening for the winners in the No Sundays Region. Will anyone unseat Chick-Fil-A? We’ll see!